Are you unemployed? Do you hate your job? Do you want a new job? Many of us do. I know I do. The daily grind of doing unappealing, low-paying work just so to pay bills has left many people feeling stuck and unsure of what to do to change their situations. This is further compounded by the fact that a lot of people think that getting a new job is a difficult and unpleasant experience, and thus put off or avoid the process altogether. While the impulse to do this is understandable, we believe that getting a new job will be much easier than you might think, once you understand Work Quest™, Employment Hunter International’s copyrighted, registered trademarked 12 step program. Those who pirate this audio playbook will be punished to the fullest extent of the law. We will also take extralegal measures if necessary to hunt down and destroy those who share our patented techniques without appropriate recompense to Employment Hunter International. We have people everywhere. We have state of the art surveillance tools. We will know if you attempt to interview for a position using these winning techniques without legitimately purchasing these cutting-edge audio cassettes. With that said, we invite you to close your eyes, sit back and relax, crack open a big bottle of clam juice, and internalize the techniques our team of employment experts has developed. With their collective 754 years of experience, they have all the knowledge you need to change your life forever, hopefully for the better. Profit and adventure await... Are you ready?

The unfortunate reality is that many people who are looking for jobs take on the task with all the focus of a drunken college kid with A.D.D. at an eye exam. While the strategy of recklessly applying to “whatever job you happen to smash into” can sometimes work out OK, it’s not ideal for several reasons. Firstly, if you enter the job market with the mentality that you’re just looking for money, and it doesn’t matter where you get it from, you will be doing yourself a grave disservice. If you just want money, you can avoid the unpleasantness of a job search altogether, and just live the remainder of your life as a crusty cyber beggar collecting funds for a non-existent child’s terminal case of rickets. But is that really how you want to be remembered? As a disgruntled leech on society? A feculent gutter punk with a plether choker and scabies? A non-self-actualized sex pervert who trolls train stations in the wee hours, searching for discarded shwarmas? No. You want to be a productive member of society who is doing important, self-actualizing work that rewards you well financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And you cannot get that through a shotgun approach of applying to every gunrunning job you see. Secondly, if you go around applying indiscriminately to everything, you will not be able to muster the enthusiasm and conviction to convey to these employers that you’re the right candidate for the role. Most people don’t realize it, but enthusiasm often counts for a lot more than your background, and in many cases, employers would rather take a less qualified candidate who shows genuine interest and eagerness, over an Albert Einstein with the work ethic of Karl Marx and the financial attitude of D.B. Cooper. No one wants to be around a disgruntled sour puss with rancid B.O. for 40 hours a week. They want to be around a happy, energetic individual with an erection for the work he or she is doing. Third, take into consideration that your future will be defined largely by your past. Any job you take is likely to lead to more jobs like it in the future. So if you, a gay male, end up taking a role as a female body inspector, you can look forward to a lifetime of unsatisfying, unarousing work. That’s bad. You want to set yourself up to be qualified for, and experienced in, jobs you will want. So if down the road, you want to be a commercial airline pilot, you might try applying for jobs in liquor stores or filthy taverns off the interstate. In summary, when choosing to apply for a job, the key thing is to be thoughtful and selective, and to never try to recycle pizza boxes because they have grease all over them.

Now that you understand the importance of selectivity and carefully thinking about your desired career trajectory when applying for jobs, we recommend that you meditate on your deepest, darkest thoughts about what you would like your career to provide you in your life. Employment Hunter International recommends preparing yourself through a process of intense meditation. This can last anywhere from 2 to 4 minutes, perhaps in the wilderness, or if it is within walking distance, the top of some sort of mesa. During your meditation, think about your place in the world and what you wish to achieve in your new role. Are you interested in money? Then try this. Picture a huge pile of wadded up dollar bills in your minds eye. Now imagine that all those bills are in your pockets, flowing out into the street as you drunkenly attempt to purchase a late night pizza. Imagine a big line of customers filed behind you in line, waiting for you to pay so they can get their pizza. Feel their rage as they spit on you from behind, jealous of your immense wealth and power. Keep that image in your mind as you meditate. If you are mostly interested in prestige, imagine yourself radiating a bright orange glow from your brainstem, also known in anatomical terms as the, medulla oblongata. This is your cosmic prestige expanding. Now picture yourself in a big, bright corner office of a 2 to 3 story building. In your minds eye, look out onto the parking lot, knowing that it, and all its inhabitants are yours to do what you wish with. There may be some food spilled on your neatly pressed button-down oxford, but you own this town and you have the power to crush anyone who attempts to receive justice or equity. Whatever it is you want, whether money, prestige, power, or the ability to bribe politicians, visualize it in your minds eye, and feel it as it manifests itself in your reality. Use this new reality to guide you as you move onto the resume building section of your Work Quest™ adventure.

Now that you have done the spiritual work necessary to operate a forklift, you should now dive into the nuts and bolts of translating your bizarre aspirations to a message for prospective employers. Before we do that, let’s acknowledge one thing. Most people think of writing a resume as one of the least enjoyable activities imaginable. For many, it is a dour exercise in being reminded of all the wrong paths we took in life: the poor decisions we’ve made, the dead end jobs we’ve taken, the unpleasant future that awaits us. Submitting a resume to an employer can be likened to being butchered by a masked intruder who breaks into your house in the middle of the night. By the time we are robbed of our requisite education, and dismembered by the skills we don’t have, we feel like we’re better off dead. These are very normal feelings and we validate them because, in all honesty, they are accurate and appropriate assessments of your inadequacy. However, that’s where the usefulness of the aggravated battery and armed robbery analogy ends. Unlike being eviscerated in your bed, the reality is that you do not need to have the perfect resume to get the job. You do not even need to meet all the basic requirements to get the job. The only thing you need is to tell your story in an honest, authentic, and highly scripted manner. But how do we do that? Let’s start with this thought experiment. In your days on this planet, how many different experiences have you had? If you are like former child actor Jackie Coogan, Probably more than a hundred. But consider this: if you were to selectively package some of your life experiences, and transform them into narratives about “who you are,” you could likely construct 20 different stories about what your life has been about. Some of these stories would sound so unlike others that if you didn’t know better, you would think that they could not possibly be about the same person. With that in mind, think about the ideal story for yourself. Successful candidates will weed out the 20 life stories that don’t align with the job description of the position they are applying for, and tell one made up story with fabricated data that does. Feel me, homie?

Great. Now that we are all on board the philosophy of perpetrating a noble, selfless fraud, we need to think about how to convey your best story within that framework. Let’s start with your resume. First of all, let’s be clear about this point: you should tailor your resume for specific roles. It’s a little bit of additional work, but your chances of success will greatly improve if you don’t send the exact same fucking resume to everyone. So that said, find a role that you want. Aim high. Be selective. Think outside the box. Promise more than you can deliver. Ready? A resume can be distilled into 3 main sections. your name, your job experience, and your education. You could also add other sections like skills, volunteer work, and some horseshit about how you do judo, and dirt bike crap in your free time, but for now, let’s stick to the basics. At the top of the page, write your name, address, phone number, email address, and your Dungeons and Dragons character alignment. In the experience section, ensure that for each position you list, you have at least two bulletpoints that highlight either a skill or a result that you obtained in that role, and which specifically relate to the position you are applying for. Do not just list shit you did. That’s fucking dumb and will get you nowhere. You are trying to convey that your past is transferable to the future, and saying you spent your days rolling around in piles of shit-covered hypodermic needles doesn’t do that. Instead talk about how you did biological waste management. Also avoid the trap of going into stupid levels of detail about things that no one outside of that work place would understand or give a shit about. No one cares that you used a proprietary software called SemenWare and know how to tweak its settings to optimize the Sour Jism Meter. No one knows what the fuck that shit is, so just stick to talking about what kind of skills you gained from being a SemenWare expert. If you can, try to quantify every bulletpoint, in the form of dollars, percentages, or number values. If the work you did on Fecal Matter Pro led to a 22% increase in fecal contamination in the workplace, write that down instead of just saying that you used Fecal Matter Pro. Put all these bulletpoints in order of how relevant they are to the position you are applying for. Another consideration you should invest some time into is proper use of industry jargon. Jargon is industry-specific terminology that will help communicate to the reader that you get it, that you have worked in the industry before, and that you speak the language necessary to succeed in the role. Inadequate use of proper terminology in your resume, despite apparently having the right skill set, still conveys that you don’t actually know as much about the industry as you profess. For example, if you claim to have been selling cars at an auto dealership, instead of hocking rides at a showroom, you will be giving yourself away as an imposter, and your resume will go where it belongs... in the trash can (or, if you work in the garbage industry, the wastepaper processing bin, you pretentious fuck.). In addition, since many resumes are now sorted by computers scanning for industry buzzwords, we recommend littering your resume with these words even if they aren’t relevant. If you need further assistance posing as a professional through targeted use of jargon, consult the “employing jargon” section of this audio. Okay, now for the Education piece of the resume. Unfortunately, I’m running out of time here. So let’s just say that no one cares that you went to Jag Hoff Community College and studied TV/VCR repair.

As mentioned in a previous section, there are a number of terms that, despite sounding like words only a brain-damaged chowderhead would use, will instantly bolster your credibility in a business setting. Typically, these terms convey nothing of value, but are just bewildering and discombobulating enough that when inserted randomly into sentences, will cause your intellectually-stunted colleagues to mistake them for genuinely valuable insights, rather than vapid institutional catchphrases that simply waste everyone’s time. With that, please proceed to the next section to learn some terms that you might recklessly insert into your resume, interviews, work discussions, and water-cooler talks.

Here are some words and phrases we recommend using indiscriminately in any business setting. There is no inherent meaning to these phrases, so we do not recommend squandering your time attempting to decipher what they might mean. Here are some words and phrases we recommend peppering indiscriminately into any business conversation or document. There is no inherent meaning to these phrases, so we do not recommend squandering your time attempting to decipher what they might mean. leverage; synergy; buckets ; bins; deep dive; deliverables; boil the ocean; do the heavy lifting; on my plate; ideate; ideation; paradigm shift; value-add; teachable moment; insights; gain alignment; core competency; competitive advantage; probe; leaving money on the table; at the end of the day; throw under the bus; 80 for the 20; hard press; full court press; arbitrage; visibility ; streams; line of sight; loop in; outage; the really really; resources; circle the wagons; double click into; triangulate; future-proof; on my radar; node; the D.N.A.; operationalize; operationalizationable; optionality; exciting opportunity; "I am passionate about..."; trim the fat; key takeaways; manage expectations; under promise ; over deliver; economies of scale; right to win ; right to play; reason to believe; ladder up; step change; win-win; where the rubber meets the road; blue ocean; methodology ; "I’m 'flex'"; white space; "I'm not tracking"; "It doesn't scan"; unpack that; alignment; gamification; expectations ; touch points ; sun setting; glide path ; “reach out”; pick your brain; throw against the wall and see what sticks; thought leadership; "what looks like help?" ; "what does help look like"; wish-fors; need-to-knows vs nice-to-haves; water through the pipes; lean forward; lean in; key learnings; open the kimono; “done in a planful way”; new verticals; an ask; a compare ; that was a miss; just an inform; solves; the solve; a solve; “we need a solve”; find the solve; where are the solves; "we don't need explains, we need solves"; hierarchy of needs; dig site; drill-downs; followups; circle back; turn the corner; move the needle; the levers we can pull; moving forward; going forward; elevator pitch; ramping up; “seeking other opportunities”; great opportunity; resume-builder; facetime; quick wins; top line; bottom line; “what’s gonna make ‘em grin?”; excited; “this is very exciting”; “I’m very excited”; we need to do more work on that; peel back the onion; what's under the hood; open space; collaboration space; consumer journey; consumer three sixty; “from soup to nuts”; get them to drink the kool-aid; buy-in; “we need to align”; “let’s connect”; game change; moving up and out; back half; “rolling off the team”; hop on a call; jump on a call; get up to speed; hit the ground running; all the way to bright; “pop over here a second”; net net; timing; out-of-pocket; pushback; love letter; love note; nastygram; rollout; leaky bucket; “what’s the story?”; blow it out; activate against; resource-driven; dual-pathing; dual-hatting; “Did you see my note?”; “the bottom fell out”; push on; clarity; "getting clarity"; "we need clarity"; pressing flesh; "on calendar"; size of prize; "I need this yesterday”; “rolls up into”; “baked in”; slam dunk; no-brainer; “more boots on the ground”; pop on shelf; all hands on deck; next steps; break bread with; back-of-envelope; "Give you some of your day back”; hard stop; consumer engagement; pushing the engagement; client engagement; top-line growth; bottom-line growth; black box; optics; a sidebar ; I owe you; artifacts; your take; servant-leadership; go-gets; "what keeps you up at night"; aperture; we took it in the shorts; storiented; greasing the wheels; level set; go live, go-live date; knowledge transfer; bird-dog; “you know what gets my dick hard?”; geo flexing.

Job seekers are often most nervous about the interview portion of their job hunt. That is understandable, because it is the one part of the process where the hunter becomes the hunted. While that can be an enjoyable part of a hackneyed crime drama or police procedural, it becomes significantly less funny when you are the one being brutalized. Thus, it is always a good idea to anticipate the kind of questions you are going to be asked in the formal interview. The first and most basic question you are likely to be asked upon entering the interviewing cell is “who are you?” This is the kind of question that interviewers love to ask because many candidates find themselves immediately hesitating, which they will see as a sign that the candidate is inebriated or experiences patterns of dissociative fugue states that will prevent them from functioning at full capacity in a Dickensian sweatshop. But if you know this question is coming, you have a huge advantage over other candidates because you can readily respond with your name and serial number. The next question that is often asked, and which pedants will point out is not actually a question and can be more accurately be described as an imperative statement, is “tell me about yourself.” Many candidates’ first impulse is to respond to this with a detailed history of their police record and crippling childhood traumas. This is not a recommended strategy, and is likely to result in failure. Instead, condense your professional history into a marginally credible narrative about how you’re the person who they are looking to hire, based on the job description. For example, if the company you are interviewing with is looking for a cherry picker, then brand yourself as a cherry picker by constructing an elaborate house of cards about how your entire life has been built around the art of cherry picking. It is very important that you do not allow the interviewers to arrive at a conclusion about your life themselves. You need to craft and tell that story directly so that their impression of you is what you say it is, rather than whatever they may deduce from your incoherent stuttering. Got it? Great. Now let’s more on to sartorial choices for the interrogation.

They say that the clothes make the man. They say that you should dress for the job you want. But I would not trust everything THEY say. Afterall, THEY are the same ones who don’t want you to know who shot Kennedy, and THEY don’t want you to know the truth about 9-11. THEY want to suppress natural cures like orgone generators because THEY can’t make money off of a bunch of pieces of bent metal and plastic shit embedded in a pyramid of epoxy resin, that channels the energy of the universe into your subtle astral body. But in this case, Employment Hunter International believes that THEY are right, and that you should wear clothes to your interview because the worst thing that could happen is that your exposed genitals may be off-putting to the interviewer and may inadvertently suggest to them that you are not serious about the position, effectively ending future opportunities at the company. Indeed, it is highly unorthodox to show up to interviews nude, and we strongly advise you against it. Instead, we suggest wearing professional attire to convey that you are a professional. For men, this would be suits, button-down shirts, vests, or if you fancy yourself a dandy, a tuxedo. For women, we suggest pantsuits, skirts, and blouses. If you are interviewing with an NBA team, we recommend a basketball jersey. When you shop for professional attire, Employment Hunter International would suggest that you are measured, and that any clothes you purchase are fitted and have alterations made. Otherwise you may gain the appearance of a boorish, unkempt Kaspar Hauser-like savage who has been recently let out of his cage and unleashed onto a terrified populace. Some fashion professionals believe that the color of your clothes convey symbolic value about the type of candidate you are. Suits and pants should generally be neutral colored, like grey, black, or navy blue. In highly political and or highly paid professions, it is advised to wear white shirts because your allegiances will be more difficult to read, and you will not be immediately outed as a Marxist thug or a spy sent by the Bilderbergs. Blue shirts convey professionalism but also casualness and friendliness. Red is a bold statement, and generally indicates passion, or an abusive work persona. Green, purple, and pink suggest that you are a douchebag, and may work well in situations that require being an obnoxious dickhead. Yellow indicates that you drink your own urine, for its purported health benefits, and that it is a frequent topic of conversation for you among your co-workers. Now that you know what to wear, we will talk in the next section about how to conduct yourself during the interview.

Many job hunters fear the interview. But remember this. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not the interview questions themselves that get you the job. It is the answers to those questions. But Employment Hunter International would not even recommend focusing on those, because many methodologically dubious studies have shown that employers know within 10 seconds whether the candidate is the right fit or not. This is where your shattered sense of self-confidence and ill-fitting velcro suit CAN hamper your ascent to power. We have addressed those issues in other sections. Now we will address the issue of how to carry yourself once in the interrogation dungeon. The first thing you need to do is ensure that you stand up straight. Hopefully by the time you walk in the door, you will have been sleeping on a spruce board for 10 weeks to ensure that your spine is at a 90 degree angle to the ground. Purse your lips and make sure your eyes are wide open, as open as you can get them. Then, with your right arm exactly parallel to the ground, extend your right hand outwards to prepare for a friendly handshake. When your hands come in contact, grab the interviewer’s palm with your right hand and give it three quick but firm jerks. During this, repeat the phrase, “nice to meet you” a few times and laugh casually. Hopefully you have practiced laughing casually beforehand. If asked, tell the interviewer that you had no trouble finding the place, even if you did. Proceed with a detailed explanation of the route you took to get there, citing several well-known landmarks such as statues, restaurants, and popular manholes in the area. To really impress, cite locations of local gangland slayings. Proceed to the interview, using tips Employment Hunter International discusses in other sections. Do not ramble on with your responses. Questions about specific challenges you may have faced in your career require brief, concise answers. Follow a “situation, actions, results”, or SARS format in your responses, where the situation is the situation you found yourself in, actions are the actions that you took in response to the situation, and results are the results you got. Use the minimal number of words necessary to answer the questions. Every additional word will result in the increased likelihood of the interviewer growing restless. At the end of each response, point at the interviewer and repeat the phrase, “based on that story alone, you would have to be a fool to not hire me.” Do not, under any circumstances, break eye contact. Another important aspect of the interview is to never talk about salary. If the interviewer asks how much you would like to be paid, stonewall them. Ask for the salary range of the position. Or better yet, state that you would be happy to talk salary, except that. And then trail off. The idea is that salary is only one part of the overall picture and that your decision hinges on a range of nebulous factors that you never quite articulate or explain. Just keep your mouth shut and get them talking. If you can avoid it, never be the first one to state a number. Before you tie yourself down to anything, make sure to listen to the section on Salary Negotiation, and internalize the concepts described there. At the end of the interview, once again pump the interviewer’s hand forcefully a few times before leaving the interviewing room. But be sure to never take your eyes off the interviewer. We recommend maintaining full eye contact and keeping your eyes wide open while you walk backwards out of the room.

After your interview is complete, it is customary to send a polite note of gratitude to the interviewers, thanking them for diverting themselves from real work, in order to listen to your lies, exaggerations, and blatant puffery. Companies are typically underresourced for their hiring needs, so it’s always nice as an interviewer to receive an email stating that a candidate enjoyed robbing them of their precious time. A typical ‘thank you’ note can be broken down into 12 parts: 1) the greeting, or salutation of the note, which typically includes the words ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ and the words ‘sir’ or ‘madam’; 2) the name of the person you interviewed with; 3) a comma, or a colon, preferably a comma; 4) a space between the comma and the next sentence; 5) the words ‘thank you’; 6) a brief description of what you are thanking the person for, most likely for the very interview that you are writing the ‘thank you’ note for; 7) a summary of why God believes you are a great candidate for the position; 8) a transparent attempt to spin one of your interview missteps into a positive, even though your disarming candor left it an unlikely outcome; 9) the stock phrase ‘thank you again for your time,’ which a Reagan-era law states must close every ‘thank you’ note; 10) a space; 11) a sign-off such as ‘with warmest love and affection’; 12) another space; and 13) finally your name. Sorry, there are 13 parts, not 12 as we stated earlier. When you have completed the note, email it to the interviewer. Absolutely do not email them from a work email address. Absolutely do not email them from your Mariokart4206969 email address. If you interviewed with multiple people, do not simply copy and paste the same message and email it to each party. Instead, for each note, rearrange the words in each sentence, and then re-sequence the sentences, so that if the interviewers compare ‘thank you’ notes, they will see that you did not simply copy and paste the same note over and over and over and over and over and over again. To do so is considered poor protocol and can be grounds for negative appraisals and denials of job offers.

Before entering a negotiation, take some time to collect your thoughts about the money, and what you would use it for. The universe, when asked politely, will always provide abundantly for you-- provided that you accept the gift with gratitude and humility. Have you thought about what you’d use the money for? Great. Now settle on a number. Zero in on an exact number, down to the number of cents. Got it? Write that number down. Now multiply that number by 14. This should be your opening bid. When you speak to the person asking for your desired salary, state that number. State it calmly and confidently, and do not budge, even if they act incredulous. Remember that negotiation is about creating a win-win, and know that you are worth every penny you are asking for.

Cosmic strategies don’t work in a vacuum. They require you to “press flesh”-- as they say in the industry-- to back it up. In case it’s not clear, pressing flesh means face time. And by face time, we mean being in a physical space with their face. Ideally, you want to be looking someone in the eyes when talking about salary. Sometimes that can be difficult, but a little effort goes a long way. In particularly tough job markets, you might compare negotiation with trying to open a wine bottle when you don’t have a corkscrew. At first, it seems difficult to open, but with some resolve, you can use a reciprocating saw to access the wine, or the desired salary. Make sure you use a saw blade that is specifically labeled for glass. Ones meant for wood or metal will not work and may damage your wine, your reciprocating saw, or both! Employment Hunter International will not be held responsible for any damage inflicted upon your property should you move forward with the instructions described here. First, construct a jig that will allow you to place the wine bottle comfortably over a bowl or bucket. That way, you can catch the wine and the tiny shards of glass dust that will result from performing this bottle-opening procedure. It is important to construct a proper jig to house the wine bottle so that it doesn't fly off as you saw the bottle. We don't recommend trying to hold the bottle with your non-saw hand while you try to saw the bottle in half, because the extreme power of the reciprocating saw is likely to quickly overwhelm you and cause loss of control of the bottle. When the bottle is safely secured in the jig, use the reciprocating saw to carefully cut the bottle in half. Make sure to use high quality protective gear to shield your eyes from the tiny shards of glass that may spray at your acne scars. Trust me, this is one piece of equipment you don’t want to skimp on. We recommend eye goggles made of opaque polycarbonate. After you collect all the wine and glass dust in the bowl, pour the contents of the bowl into 2 pieces of layered cheese-cloth over a different bowl, which will catch most of the glass dust but will allow the wine to flow through. Then pour the pure wine down your throat from the bowl or bucket. Congratulations, you have just successfully negotiated a higher salary.

Salary isn’t the only part of the job negotiation. There are other things you can mess with in case you can’t saw the wine bottle open on the salary. Like, when you talk to the HR manager, you can say the words “total compensation package” if you wanna fuck with other forms of payment besides salary. So, if you ask for a salary of $2.1 million, but they will only go up to $37,000. That’s when you need to bully them into giving you more of the sweet stuff. This might mean asking for more vacation time to go to Disneyland, year-end bonuses for gambling, sign-on bonuses for gambling, flexible working conditions like working from a casino or laundromat once in a while, or strolling in drunk to work at 10am, stock options, tuition benefits, radio controlled cars, matching 401K, commuter perks, and stupid fitness programs that you will probably never use. All these chips are on the table, and I would never back away from asking for more of what I wanted, especially if they are screwing me with a weak salary. The way I see it. Even hostage negotiators will tell you that the more unreasonable person always has the upper hand in a negotiation. If you think about it, the worst they can do is is tell you to get the fuck out of their office, and take back the verbal offer that might have been on the table. So, in summary, if you ask me, there is no real downside to playing hardball with cheapskates. What the fuck do I care anyway? You’re the one negotiating, not me.

Congratulations! You finally got the offer. All those sleepless nights and months of smoking pot on your couch are paying off. But before you sign that piece of paper, take some time to understand what you’re signing. The piece of paper that they will want you to sign is called a contract. A contract is a legally binding agreement which recognises and governs the rights and duties of the parties to the agreement. The history of this is long and complex, but is important to know in order to understand what you are signing. We recommend purchasing Employment Hunter International’s 22 volume set on the origins of contract law, in order to fully familiarize yourself with the details of how English contract law, on which American contract law is based, is rooted in the Norman Invasion of England in the 11th century. For now, simply understand that a contract is legally enforceable because it meets the requirements and approval of the law. A contractual agreement typically involves the exchange of goods, services, money, or promises of any of those. In the event of a breach in the contract, the law awards the injured party access to legal remedies such as damages and cancellation. In order for a contract to be formed, the parties must reach mutual assent, and each party must have the capacity to enter into the contract. This is typically reached through an offer and an acceptance which does not vary the offer's terms. An offer is a definite statement of the offeror's willingness to be bound should certain conditions be met. If a purported acceptance varies the terms of an offer, it is not an acceptance but a counteroffer and, therefore, simultaneously a rejection of the original offer. The Uniform Commercial Code, also known as the U.C.C. disposes of the so-called “mirror image rule” described Section 2 dash 207, although the U.C.C. only governs transactions in goods in the USA, which generally renders it irrelevant to the terms of an employment contract, and is thus not even remotely relevant to this conversation. However, a contract of employment is usually defined to mean the same as a "contract of service". A contract of service has historically been distinguished from a contract for the supply of services, the expression altered to imply the division between a person who is "employed" and someone who is "self-employed". The purpose of this division is to attribute rights to some kinds of people who work for others. This could be the right to a minimum wage, holiday pay, sick leave, fair dismissal, a written statement of the contract, the right to organise in a union, and other such concerns. The boundaries of a contract of employment is complicated by the use of many other sorts of contracts involving one person doing work for another. Instead of being considered an "employee", the individual could be considered a "worker" (which could mean less employment legislation protection), or as having an "employment relationship" (which could mean protection somewhere in between). Because of all the complicated nuances and legal stipulations surrounding employment contracts, we recommend not bothering to even read what you were given, and just signing it so you can begin collecting your paychecks.

If by some weird twist of fate, you already had a job when you accepted a new one, now is the time to tie up the loose ends at your old position. There are established protocols about how to accomplish this, so please listen carefully before impulsively throwing caution to the wind. First, you will want to inform your previous employer that you will be departing. Typically 2 weeks notice is the minimum amount of time you’ll want to give before you leave your old position. However, if you are a bitter, repellent human who wants to inflict maximum damage on your old place of employment, there are methods you can take to leave a path of devastation in your wake. There are several tiers of destruction you can employ, depending on how calloused your soul is. We will present a few of these here, but be aware that we do not take responsibility for the ensuing chaos that may unfold in your life or those of your former or future colleagues. While It might feel good to get sweet revenge on those bastards, the danger is that if someday you need a letter of recommendation or a reference, you probably will not be able to get one from there. For many people, the joy of creating chaos in a workplace that they have nothing but disdain for, will easily offset the risk of not having good references. You will have to decide for yourself if, while attempting to reduce your enemies to cinder, it is worth the risk of destroying yourself. We generally do not recommend it. But with that said, here are some methods you could try. The simplest strategy is to just not show up again at the old job after taking the new job. This prevents them from having time to hire and train someone new, leaving them scrambling to get the necessary accomplished. A worse approach would be to show up but do nothing until departing. The downside of this is that your boss might make backhanded comments about how you still work there. Fuck that. A more subtle but hostile approach would be to deliberately create chaos and confusion in the workstreams that you are responsible for, before you leave. If there are things that only you know about, ensure that once you are out of the picture, nobody knows what the fuck is going on, even the people who trained you. If you deliberately make a mess that only you could possibly clean up, there is always plausible deniability. An extreme form of retribution would involve murdering all your ex co-workers. This is the most dangerous and unnecessary form of revenge you can exact, and we don’t really recommend it unless you are armed to the teeth, and prepared for a lengthy prison sentence that could interfere with you starting your new job on time.